Perspectives On Life - View from a Resident

How's that for a title. I actually have some serious thoughts this morning that I would like to put down.

Recently I admitted one of my clinic patients to the hospital. She was a relatively new patient to me that I had seen one time previously (a couple of weeks earlier). After arriving to the hospital floor she went into Cardiac arrest and was transferred to the ICU.

It is unknown how much damage her cardiac arrest did to her brain function as she has been on the ventilator for almost a week and a half now, but she seemed to be coming around. She was able to respond when I talked with her each morning. Overall she had been improving. This morning I came in to round on her and found her extubated and unresponsive. She had passed away at 2 AM. I had not been called because the resident on the floor had been present for the code. It would have been nice to get a call around 6, but I understand.

So now my mixture of emotions is unlike any I have felt in my life. On the one hand I feel sorry for the daughters of my patient. She was doing so well just a month ago. She went downhill quick and as I look back I'm sure there are things that could have been done differently with the knowledge we now have, but in reality no mistakes were made in her care.

There is also a portion of me that feels relief at her passing. I'd like to say that this relief comes from the knowledge that she would most likely live out the rest of her days in a nursing home struggling with her constant pain issues, but a lot of my relief comes from the fact that she is not my responsibility every morning for the next 2 months. I no longer have to get to the hospital each morning to care for this critically ill patient. That seems very selfish to me, and it probably is, but that is the direct effect of her death on my life.

I wonder if my reaction would be different had I known the patient for a year instead of a month. Am I already that jaded that a critically ill patient is just 30 minutes of extra work per day? I don't believe that is the case, but I feel somewhat deceived by my feelings this morning.